Hilda’s Battle Song

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Based on a hen-owner’s recent encounter with one of her pet hens which resulted in a trip to hospital. Maybe Hilda the hen thought she was auditioning for a re-make of Hitchcock’s “The Birds”…

Don’t take your eyes off Hilda-the-Terrible!
Never drop guard if you see her near,
Don’t be persuaded her motives are variable-
She’s never just walking with innocent cheer,
(But silently stalking, engendering fear…)

Don’t lose sight of Hilda-the-Warrior!
Never assume that she can’t see you,
Glance her way now and you will be sorrier –
And possibly missing an eyeball or two,
(As her sabre-sharp beak knows what it must do.)

Don’t be fooled by Hilda-the-Battle-Axe!
Nor cheerily into the garden tread,
For this is her optimum time for attacks-
While you’re getting the other hens ready for bed,
(She’s drawing up eye-watering plans in her head.)

Don’t draw swords with Hilda-Militia-Hen!
Her owner did – and look what flew at her-
Hilda was certainly quite malicious when
With quivering beak, she  tried first to lure her,
(Eyeballed her, then finally skewered her.)

“What have we here?” said the doctor in A and E
“A hen’s done this you say- not a thorn?
I’m sorry I can’t give you any real sympathy
If you feed them corneas, not corn
(Every day another one’s born…)”

Never look down on Hilda-from-Hell-Below!
And don’t tempt fate that your eyesight’s fab,
Trust me – you won’t see quite as well you know,
Impaled on her beak like an eyeball kebab,
(For which Hilda’s already served time in rehab..)

Beware the tale of Hilda the ASBO -HEN!
She didn’t respond to fines or flattery
And ended up on the News at Ten
After being charged with eyesault and battery.
(She’s living now at the local cattery…….)

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